Waiting for pain to stop

Once you’ve been hurt you learn a lot you learn defense/coping mechanisms in order to protect yourself from pain. so when you meet someone new you apply those mechanisms – these arent necessarily good, just a way of stopping yourself from being hurt again, so when that person in question wants you to “open up” it can be hard to
drop your guard and let them in, you have to go against your own defense mechanisms without certainty of them not hurting you, this is terrifying because if you've felt pain, real pain, you’ll know its unbearable and you’ll do anything not to feel that pain again. this is something ive learned, every painful wreckage of a relationship ive managed to climber out of barely breathing, ive learned new ways to cut myself off from emotion, problem is when you cut yourself off from the bad you cut yourself off from the good at the same time, you find yourself acting in strange ways you cant explain, pushing them away because your just too afraid to open up again.
You will never love like your first, if your first love was anything like mine this is a good thing.

Problem is will i ever be able to simply love again, have i gone to far? am i an enemy of love? have i intensely conditioned myself NOT TO LOVE? people always say “your perfect man is just round the corner” but what if i meet him and im already too cold inside what then is there another “perfect guy round the corner” is there an endless amount of “perfect guys” i think not.

Posted by: fayelovesbuttons